It should be obvious to anyone who has read very much on this website (or even knows me a little bit) that I have trust issues. One could even make a good argument that these issues are justifiable. However, I do not want to live my life as a bitter, untrusting person. So, I choose to trust as best I can and work really hard at it, when needed.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being completely trustworthy), I start everyone at a 5. Then, as I get to know the person, they can move up or down. If I don’t get to know the person, they stay at a 5. This system works pretty well for me, and I have friends and family members, with whom I have developed varying levels of trust.

I am ashamed to say that although I trust God the most, I put my level with Him at a 9. I want desperately to trust Him completely, but I have realized lately that might not be possible until I meet Him face to face. And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. If I could trust Him completely right now, would I need Him as much? Not sure. But the gap causes me to reach out to Him frequently, keeps me humble, and I keep working at it.

It took me a long, long time to accept that being raped was not my fault. Every rape victim I’ve ever met has had to deal with this reality. But that’s the beginning of healing. We can never forget what happened, and the scars created by the event are permanent. With enough cleaning of the wound and enough bandaging, we can recover and forgive…to the degree that we are willing to work on it. Without God’s help and the saving grace of Jesus, I believe I would be stuck in fear and anger.

My permanent scars are what holds me back from trusting. It’s not that I don’t want to trust. I would flip that switch right now, if I could.

In the meantime, I have learned to have some great friendships with both men and women. I have a deep appreciation for the people who accept my imperfections. God has taught me to be less critical and always look for the positive.

We may have come out of the womb, completely trusting the mother who gave us birth. Then there comes the day when we learn that she isn’t perfect. That’s when the real work begins and we start to make choices about the type of person we want to become.

Now my goal is to be a grateful person, not just when I wake up, but all of the time. And it’s a whole lot harder than I expected.

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